i'm signing you up for texting rehab
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
