The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
