well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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