I'm so fucking centered right now
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
