Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
