I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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