Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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