she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
