I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
