no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
