the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
