Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
