i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
