LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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