you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
