it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
