So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
