so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
