We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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