I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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