Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
