God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
