i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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