you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
