i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
