i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
