Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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