theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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