wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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