If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
