were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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