So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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