the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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