So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
