she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
