I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
