He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize