what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
