Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
