she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
