we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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