So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
two words...techno handjob
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
