i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
