And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
