everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
