i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
