I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
