She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
