my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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