y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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