Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
