New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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