I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
