did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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