I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
