fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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