I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
