I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
