I think my fart just growled at me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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