Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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