I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
