So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
