i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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