I met the friendliest cop last night
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
