Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
