His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
They took my balls.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
