i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
this beer tastes like vomit already
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I touched a dick in church today
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
